Sunday was a bitter sweet day for Ronda and I and the family.

We packed up my daughter's belongings and moved her to the dorms at PCC. She's now a full time student, living on campus away from home. We realize it's only 30 miles away, but it might as well be a world away.

We helped her unload, went to lunch, an orientation for the parents and then went back to her room to say good-bye. I hugged her and reminded her that we were close if she needed anything and to have fun, but to remember that she was there to be a student and to make good grades.

As we were leaving the dorms Breeann had a sad look on her face.

"Dad, will you call me around 10 p.m. tonight," she asked?

I got a little choked up, hugged her again and we left for home. I couldn't help but think about my little girl sitting on the floor of her dorm room unpacking her things all alone.

Breeann's roommate won't be on campus until late September because she's in the Army, but she has two other girls that share the bathroom in the connecting room.

I watched the clock all day long and paced around waiting for 10 p.m. I wasn't going to call her a minute earlier. Finally, the time was right for my supportive phone call.

It rang, and it rang and it rang. No answer. I tried the dorm room and still no answer.

About ten minutes passed and my phone received a text message.

"Sorry Dad, real busy. Having fun with my new friends. Talk to you tomorrow."

Her home sickness lasted all of about 30 minutes that day. We're so happy that she's having fun.

She called on Monday to tell me that she was doing great, slept well and loved being in College. I told her I missed her and she cut me off saying, "I've got to go Dad, me and my friends are going to a picnic!"

Shortly after hanging up the phone I received another call. The lady on the phone said her name was Peggy Schneider with AFS.

"Kevin, I got your name from John Nixon," she said.

I just groaned.

We had discussed taking an exchange student for the 2009-2010 school year. Our plan was to "take a year off" after getting Breeann off to college.

Peggy explained that she had four students from various countries that did not get placed in homes and since she knew that we were interested in hosting, she wondered if we would take a student.

I politely told her "no".

"Can I at least send you their profiles," she asked?

This is where I could have said no, but I didn't. And now we have a new son and brother, Haiji Wang, or "Frank" as he would like to be called.

It's been a whirlwind week for us. After receiving our daughter's blessing, we had phone interviews, forms to fill out and then an orientation about the AFS program. Frank moved into our home on Wednesday evening and enrolled in school on Thursday morning.

Medicine Lodge is hosting 4 exchange students this year and we'll feature each one of them: Simon, Alex ( this is starting out to sound like the line up of the chipmunks) Manuel and Haiji or "Frank". This week, we'll introduce you to Simon who is from Switzerland and is staying with John Nixon (who indiscriminately gives out people's cell phone numbers.)

I wish I could tell you all about Frank, but we just met Wednesday evening. I can tell you he is from China, speaks very good English and is very, very intelligent. His father is a sea captain and his mother is an accountant. Some of his classes include Physics, Chemistry, Advanced Art and he's taking an upper-level math course. Frank is polite, struggles with combination locks and has a good sense of humor. We're excited to learn about another culture and share in the experience of AFS.

I'll deal with John later.

Have a great week!

This week our family was busy with moving. No, we're not moving. My daughter is.

Breeann has moved to her new home, which is in a dorm room at PCC in Pratt, KS. It's not too far away, but she's no longer home with her mom and dad and brothers. Her brothers aren't complaining, but I'm sure we're all going to miss her.

I sort of feel like the papa bird taking my young chick over the edge of the nest and dropping her (I know, it's usually the mom bird). She'll either have to learn to fly or she'll hit the ground. Oh wait, maybe there's a point to this story that her mother and I are supposed to catch her before she hits the ground!

Anyway, it's an overwhelming experience to have a child leave home.

Breeann is studying Elementary Education. She wants to be a school teacher one day. Study hard, Breeann. You can do it!

Summer break is over and school is back in session. It seems like it went so fast. I want to welcome back all of the students and faculty of USD# 254. We have a lot of new faces in the district. Be sure you stop and make them feel welcome when you see them.

Have a great week!

Special delivery!

SEATTLE - A 6-foot-tall, 250-pound letter carrier is campaigning for the right to take off his pants. Dean Peterson wants the U.S. Postal Service to add kilts as a uniform option for men.

The idea was soundly defeated in July at a convention of his union, the 220,000-member National Letter Carriers' Association, so Peterson knows convincing management will be an uphill struggle, but at least he'll be comfortable in his kilt, or Male Unbifurcated Garment.

"In one word, it's comfort," he said.

With his build, Peterson said, his thighs fill slacks to capacity, causing chafing and scarring.

And nobody likes chafing and scarring.

Peterson, 48, has Finnish and Norwegian ancestry but not Scottish. He began wearing kilts a couple years ago when his wife brought one back from a trip to Scotland. (A spokeswoman for Britain's Royal Mail said kilts are not allowed as part of its letter carrier uniforms.)

Now Peterson wears them everywhere - to one son's football games, the other son's concerts, shopping and gardening.

"It's the difference between wearing jammies to bed and wearing your work clothes to bed," he said.

Before the convention in Boston, Peterson spent his family's $1,800 economic stimulus tax rebate to mail about 1,000 letters and photographs of him wearing a prototype Postal Service kilt to union branches in every state, Guam and Puerto Rico.

I'm sure that's not what President Bush had in mind to stimulate the economy, but oh well...

"Unbifurcated Garments are far more comfortable and suitable to male anatomy than trousers or shorts because they don't confine the legs or cramp the male genitals the way that trousers or shorts do," he wrote. "Please open your hearts - and inseams - for an option in mail carrier comfort!"

The union's executive committee recommended disapproval, saying there was not enough demand for kilts to be worth the bother of the resolution, and delegates agreed by a large margin.

But Peterson said there are plenty of approved uniform items that very few mail carriers wear, including a cardigan sweater, vest and pith helmet.

Correct me if I am wrong but I think Medicine Lodge actually has a carrier that wears a pith helmet.

Peterson said many convention delegates did express support after his resolution was voted down.

"I got so pumped up after being at such a low that I'm taking this to the next convention in 2010 in Anaheim, Calif.," he said.

You go.... girl, I mean guy.

The writer of KWIBS actually owns a kilt, has worn a kilt several times in public (don't ask, don't tell) and fully supports Peterson's ambitious efforts to make kilts part of the USPS dress code.

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This kind of stuff just doesn't happen to the chess club.....

26 teen cheerleaders rescued from crammed elevator

AUSTIN, Texas - How many cheerleaders can cram into an elevator? Apparently not 26. A group of teenage girls attending a cheerleading camp on the University of Texas got stuck and had to be rescued after trying to squeeze into an elevator at a residence hall Tuesday night.

One girl fainted and was treated at a hospital and released. Two others were treated at the scene.

The elevator doors refused to open after the pack of 14- to 17-year-olds descended from the fourth to the first floor, police said. Responding to a few panicked cell phone calls from the group, police and firefighters summoned an elevator repairman, who spent about 25 minutes extricating them.

Campus officials weren't amused.

"It's dangerous, actually," said a school police spokeswoman, Rhonda Weldon. "They're lucky that that's all that happened."

I wonder if this was the "male" yell leader's idea????

The power of prayer....

Two prayer services were held at St. Louis gas stations to thank God for lower fuel prices and to ask that they continue to drop. Darrell Alexander, Midwest co-chair of the Pray at the Pump movement, says prayer gatherings will be held Monday afternoon and evening at a Mobil station west of downtown St. Louis.

Participants say they plan to buy gas, pray and then sing "We Shall Overcome" with a new verse, "We'll have lower gas prices."

An activist from the Washington D.C. area, Rocky Twyman, started the effort, saying if politicians couldn't lower gas prices, it was time to ask God to intervene.

The group thinks the prayer is helping, saying prices are starting to fall below $4 a gallon.

And I love my job, but not that much.....

Jeff Hornagold loved being a UPS driver.

So when the suburban Chicago man died this week of lung cancer, longtime co-worker Michael McGowan agreed to take him on one last delivery.

McGowan transported Hornagold's body from Davenport Family Funeral Home to Saturday's funeral services in his UPS truck.

McGowan says he plans to keep a picture of Hornagold in his truck until he retires so that they can keep riding together.

Hornagold was a UPS driver for 20 years, and his wife Judy Hornagold described him as "just the happiest UPS man alive."

She says the special delivery was the perfect tribute.

I just wonder who signed for that?

Have a great week!

Something happened to me. I can't explain it. I don't know if it was a mid-life crisis or some chemical imbalance, but my priorities changed.

For those that know me, you remember me in my youth as the long haired hippy kid that rode a Harley and played in a rock band on the weekends.

Earlier this year, I sold the Harley. It was something I hated to do, but felt that it was the right thing to do in this time of my life.

The band went into retirement almost a year ago now and I've had to readjust my weekend life. It's usually filled up with writing bail bonds, running sound for different events, going to the lake, going to church and my new favorite hobby: mowing the grass.

I used to hate mowing. In fact, when Ronda was pregnant with our first child she had asked me to mow the grass one day. I didn't want to mow the grass. I wanted to go fishing and then ride Harleys with my buddy.

She got so angry at me that she decided to mow it herself. She didn't know how to start the old mower I had, so she got an extension cord and dug out an old electric mower and proceeded to mow our 2 acre lot with it.

A very short time into her mowing project, she saw a small snake. Hating snakes, the 7 month pregnant angry wife decided to kill the snake with the electric lawn mower. She chased it into a couple of circles and ran over the extension cord, causing sparks to fly and the grass to catch on fire.

She's never mowed since and I've never asked her to.

How I went from motorcycles to mowers, I'll never know. Recently I spent hours upon hours researching ZTR mowers (that's zero turning radius mowers for those of you unschooled mower people). There are lots of brands and lots of options to consider. They range in price from as little as $2,000 all the way up to $20,000.

When I began my research, I had only a couple of things I wanted: A comfortable seat and a cup holder. As I started digging a little deeper I discovered I needed more than a 42" cut, less than a 60" cut, a stamped deck, not a forged one, powerful hydrostat drive motors, at least a 20 hp engine and preferably a three blade, belt driven deck.

I was driving my wife crazy.

"Hey honey, here's an ad for a 'Big Dog' mower," I'd say.

"It has........." As soon as I would start rattling off the specifications, she would interrupt and say, "I don't care what it has in it. How much?"

Only $9999.00!

The look she gave me told me I wasn't getting that.

I won't tell you what I paid for my Hustler FasTrack, but I will tell you it was three times as much as my first car and $12,000 less than my last Harley cost.

I didn't have anyone to talk to about my mower fetish. Nobody in my family would give me the time of day.

Then one day Joey had his friend, Oliver Rutan, come over to spend the night. Oliver, who is 15, has his own lawn care business and has some pretty sharp (no pun intended) mowing inventory.

I took Oliver into the garage to show him the mower and an hour later, Joey was begging his friend to come downstairs to play video games.

"Dad, get your own friends," he snapped.

So the next evening I finished up some mowing around the entrance to our property and then decided to drive the mower over to my neighbor's house, John Nixon, and show him the new "Man Machine."

John checked it over, I gave him a quick lesson on operating the mower and he took off. Only he took off as fast as the mower would go with the deck engaged. John mowed his grass, the driveway, a trash dumpster and a small tree before I got him to realize that it would go slower if he wouldn't push the handles so far forward.

I took the mower home where I've turned my yard into a golf resort.

I seriously don't know what happened to me. I was once the care free guy with my hair blowing in the breeze in a leather jacket. Now I am the old guy in flip flops and socks with safety glasses on yelling at the kids to get off his yard.

It was one of those newsy weeks that I couldn't pass up. Perhaps it was the full moon.

Seattle's five problem-plagued public toilets could be yours if you're flush with cash....

You might remember the city installed some self-cleaning toilets a while back. I guess it didn't work out so well. City officials decided to pull the plug on the multimillion-dollar self-cleaning toilet stalls and instead put them on the auction site eBay.

Starting bids are $89,000 apiece.

Neighbors and city-commissioned analysts said the unisex facilities attracted drug users and prostitutes, and were less cost-effective than regular public restrooms.

On May 19, the City Council voted to remove the problem toilets. Council President Richard Conlin said although people were using the high-tech, self-cleaning silver stalls, they also fostered illegal behavior, such as prostitution and drug use.

The German-made automatic, high-tech toilets were installed in 2004 and have cost the city about $5 million. Each has handsfree washing and drying ability and an emergency button that automatically dials 911.

The automated doors on the impact- and graffiti-resistant toilets will close Aug. 1, said Andy Ryan, a spokesman for Seattle Public Utilities. The auction will last for 10 days.

As of Thursday morning, none of the toilets had received any bids.

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A 29-year-old man accused of stealing a bicycle in Boston's North End tried to complete his own version of a triathlon to get away from police.

Police said Jason Duncan of Somerville rode the bike onto the North Washington Street Bridge, jumped off the bridge into Boston Harbor and swam to shore when they tried to arrest him Tuesday night.

He then ran down a harbor walkway before being caught.

Suffolk County District Attorney's spokesman Jake Wark says Duncan pleaded not guilty Wednesday in Boston Municipal Court to one count of larceny over $250. Bail was set at $500.

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An intruder who broke into a Colorado Springs electronics store won't face any charges, even if authorities can find the culprit. Seems no one wants to poke an angry bear.

Colorado Springs police confirm it was a bear who broke a sliding glass door at a Circuit City store Tuesday morning, then went inside to a customer waiting area where surveillance cameras recorded its every move.

The scared bear then ran back out the same broken glass door and headed for a tree.

Authorities say the young adult black bear had become spooked after setting off an alarm at a nearby Fazoli's restaurant.

Circuit City supervisor Dawn Greene joked that the bear probably wanted a new 72-inch LCD-screen television.

No one was hurt, except, perhaps, for the bear.

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A man says he was so consumed by the spirit of God that he fell and hit his head while worshipping.

Now he wants Lakewind Church to pay $2.5 million for medical bills, lost income, and pain and suffering.

Matt Lincoln says he is suing after the church's insurance company denied his claim for medical bills.

The 57-year-old has had two surgeries since the June 2007 injury but still feels pain in his back and legs.

He says he was asking God to have "a real experience" while praying.

Lincoln says he has fallen from the force of the spirit before but has always been caught by someone.

Lawyers for the church say other congregants saw him on the floor laughing after his fall. They say he failed to look out for his own safety.

Have a great week!

I love the 4th of July holiday, I just hate buying fireworks. I always tell my kids, "We should just put money in a paper sack and light it on fire because that's what it is - money up in flames."

OK, maybe it's not as pretty when you light a bag full of money, but you know what I am saying.

Now with that said, I have no problem watching other folks burn their money on the 4th. In fact, I encourage that. It saves me a little money.

It's a funny holiday. One 4th of July, I got an invitation to watch someone shooting off their fireworks near our home. I thought to myself, do I really need an invitation to look up at the sky at night? What if I didn't get an invitation? Would I have to keep my head towards the ground and not look? I know the invitation was a goodwill gesture, I just thought it was funny.

I liked the fact that the 4th of July fell on a Friday and we had the weekend to enjoy the fireworks. Several people in our area put on really good shows and I love it when neighbors try to outdo each other. Whoever wins, you can't really be disappointed in free fireworks, good or bad.

For some reason, I really enjoy "duds". I like it when something either doesn't go off, or goes off incorrectly - as long as no one is hurt. I get the biggest kick out of watching someone light a fuze, run and then nothing happens. Then they walk back over so carefully, like they're sneaking up on it. That's really funny.

Firework names are funny to read. Have you ever looked at what you are lighting? I saw one package that read "Big Barrel of Bang". It was big and it was a barrel, but it wasn't that big of a bang.

We also had one called "Grand Finale". Once lit, this interesting little box set off a mini fireworks show all by itself. It would shoot several into the air and then stop. We'd all clap and then in a few seconds it would start up again. This time it would do a fountain of sparks. Then it would stop and we'd all clap. Suddenly it would start back up again. I thought that this one was a real bargain. My kids just wanted it to stop so they could shoot the next thing off.......

And what are you we clapping for? Yeah! The guy lighting the small bomb wasn't hurt when it exploded!

We pulled one out of the box that read, "Blue Stars". This one was cool. The kids took it out in the middle of the road and lit it. They ran back to us and we all watched it shoot blue stars in to the air.

It was beautiful. Then all at once, it fell over and pointed in our direction. Blue stars chased us around the yard. We all took cover behind a truck. After the danger was over someone said, "They should have called that one brown stripes on white underwear."

Have a great week!

As if I didn't have enough trouble with my dog typing at my computer.....

I learned this week that Facebook, a popular website for those of us with too much time on our hands at work, has branched off into the world of pet web pages with "Dogbook".

Dogs all over the world are logging in, setting up their web sites and joining online parks where they share things of common interest like cat recipes, favorite chew toys, stories of dragging their butts across the carpet and tips on how to get away with pooping on the floor of their owner's homes.

I'm not exactly sure when this site launched, but as soon as my German Shepherd, Hyde, found out that I had a Facebook page, he added me as a friend.

It's true, our pets can actually have web sites. I'm already so frustrated with my dog using my Ipod. Every time I pick it up he's got it playing "Who Let The Dogs Out?". Now I have to worry about scheduling him for computer time.

I logged into my dog's page on Wednesday to find out that he has a few local friends, including Jeff Clarke's dog Lucy. Lucy is a female Westie and has been loved since 2007. According to her website she enjoys playing with toys, sleeping, eating, drinking, playing with her cat Nermal, and playing outside.

Lucy's favorite treats are Milkbones and she claims to be very quiet with a funny personality.

Of course Hyde and Lucy are now friends and no doubt will be emailing each other, writing on each other's wall (a slang for leaving messages on something similar to a message board online), sharing embarrassing photos of each other and discussing their current handler's treatment of them.

But like humans who hide their true identities behind their flat screen monitors, will virtual rear-end sniffing lure some dogs into unnatural relationships like Rottweilers pretending to be small Poodles?

Next my dog will be wanting me to add text messaging to his cell phone.....

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This Thursday marks a bitter sweet ending to the exchange year of Soeren Niklas Gaertner. Many of you have read right here about "Nick" in KWIBS. Nick is a German exchange student who spent this past year living with our neighbor John Nixon.

Nick has become part of the family and we've all wondered where the time has gone. It just seems like yesterday that he arrived. It was actually in August of last year. First impressions are everything. The night he arrived our family went over to John's to meet him. Nick brought out German chocolate as a gift. Now we're all addicts and he's been our supplier for the past year.

His first week here John, Nick, Ronda and I all went to Texas to a Rush concert. Since then John has taken him to another Rush concert, river rafting, to a professional basketball game and a college football game. He'll be the first to tell you he got a good exchange parent!

Nick is an unusually mature 17 year old with a great sense of humor. We had many nights of debating on subjects like politics, religion and the economy. And even though he's a staunch Obama fan, he found humor in my good-bye message to him, "McCain in 2008!" Look Nick, I spelled it correctly and everything!

Last week Ronda and I took a trip down the Illinois River in Oklahoma with some friends. Breeann, Joey and "Big Nick" tagged along for a last hoorah. There were some good memories made on this trip including Nick driving part of the way home on Monday. Don't worry. He was officially done with AFS on Sunday. He had one day left to legally drive on his learner's permit. Besides, I am sure he didn't violate any of his AFS rules the entire year! *wink*

Nick and I had a nice visit (or "wisit" as he would say) last week about his year in America.

"It will always be one of the greatest experiences of my life," he said.

A gracious and kind kid, Nick will be missed by his host parent, John, and the many friends he's made this year. Breeann, Joey, Nicholas, Ronda, Hyde and I will miss you too and we'll always remember you. Come back for a "wisit" sometime.

Have a great week!

We could cover it until we're blue in the face, but we could never give enough credit to Bob and Dorothy Stutler for the work they've done on The Grand Hotel.

It's jaw-dropping each time I drive past it. I know I am going to have an accident in the near future as I drive past gawking at it. The place looks incredible. I realize they aren't quite finished, but I wanted to take a moment to thank them for saving and restoring such a fine piece of our town's history. You guys are true assets to our community.

I'm going to put the entire town on the spot now. We need to show some appreciation to these folks. Many of you don't realize the undertaking this was and the amount of time and money that the Stutlers have invested in this property. I think the City of Medicine Lodge should, at the very least, make a proclamation declaring a day of appreciation for their work. Hopefully, someone is reading this. *Smiles*

Let's not let this project go unnoticed. If you agree with me, let the appropriate people know and let's show the Stutlers that we are thankful to have them in our community and that we appreciate what they are doing.

After I wrote this, I went up front to discover a letter from Darrel and Mary Rhea concerning the Grand and some property around town that needs attention. My sentiments exactly!

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I loved this story. I hope my friend Nick Gaertner reads it and understands how resourceful Americans can be.

Sports bra saves US hiker in German Alps

An American hiker stranded in the Bavarian Alps for nearly three days was rescued after using her sports bra as a signal, police in southern Germany said Monday.

Berchtesgaden police officer Lorenz Rasp said that he helped lift 24-year-old Jessica Bruinsma of Colorado state to safety by helicopter on Thursday after she attracted the attention of lumberjacks by attaching her sports bra to a cable used to move timber down the mountain.

"She's a very smart girl, and she acted very resourcefully," said Rasp. "She kept her shirt and jacket for warmth, but thought the sports bra could work as a signal."

An Alpine rescue team, including five helicopters and 80 emergency workers, had been searching for Bruinsma since she went missing June 16 after losing her way in bad weather while hiking with a friend near the Austrian border.

She fell 16.4 feet (five meters) to a rocky overhang, where she spent the next 70 hours on the narrow ledge, sustained by water that she found by breaking into a supply box on the ledge.

She badly bruised a leg and dislocated a shoulder in the fall, and the cliff was too isolated for her to climb free, Rasp said.

Rasp said the cable was only within reach because the timber transport system was out of service. When a repairman restored the line on Thursday, the cable car started moving up the mountain and Bruinsma's bra reached the worker at the base. He knew of the missing hiker and immediately called police.

Rasp said his team followed the cable line up the cliffside in a helicopter and found Bruinsma standing on the ledge, waving with her good arm. After circling once, they lowered a winch to Bruinsma and lifted her aboard.

"She did so well because she is in very good shape," Rasp said. "She has been training for a marathon - her goal is to finish in 3 hours and 10 minutes."

Bruinsma told Rasp that she has scrapped plans to stay in Berchtesgaden to learn German and plans to return home to Colorado Springs with her parents. He said she still plans to run the marathon, if she recovers in time to keep training.

The moral of the story is that Americans are resourceful and Germans are easily distracted with undergarments.

Have a great week!

I failed to mention a couple of very important dates last week in my column. I was too worried about the creepy spiders.

If you'll notice on the front page of the paper this week, we are at volume 18 - issue 1.

This marks our 885th edition of The Gyp Hill Premiere. More importantly, we are celebrating our 17th year in business in Medicine Lodge.

I glanced through a few years of early Premieres and the walk down memory lane did me good.

I saw pictures of several of us, younger and thinner, in the pages that are now history. I saw people like Mark Boyter and Orval Kutz who are no longer with us, but immortalized in the archives.

I've said it more than once. I love my job and I love putting out the newspaper. It's an honor to serve the community and we appreciate your support these last 17 years! Thanks!

The other important date was more important than the first. I may not have remembered to mention in my column last week, but I did remember the date. Tuesday, June 17, 2008 was our anniversary.

Ronda and I celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary with a rededication ceremony with our children at our home that night - thanks to some very special people who rearranged their evenings to bless us. Sarah and Dwain Richert and David Kolbek came to dinner and to participate in our ceremony. David brought his guitar and beautiful voice and Dwain remarried Ronda and I down by our pond.

It had been something Ronda and I had wanted to do for a while now, but never could seem to organize it. Our 20th seemed like a good time to do it.

Monday afternoon I originally gave Dwain a call and asked him if he could do it. It turned out that he couldn't because of ball game schedules with his kids. So I scrapped the whole idea and tried to come up with something creative to do.

I got online to see how to celebrate a 20th anniversary and I found a site that said Day Lilies were the flowers to give for that anniversary and China was the theme gift. As easy as this all sounded, you can't get Day Lilies on that short of notice and my wife really doesn't like China.

So instead, I got Ronda twenty balloons and tied paper with scripture about love on them. My plan was to read her each one and release them.

Early Tuesday morning Dwain called me back and said his son's game got rained out. God does answer prayer, even when you pray He'll ruin a kid's baseball game. So, he said he could do the ceremony! (I'm kidding about praying for rain to ruin a baseball game of course).

I visited with David and he agreed to play a couple of songs for us and everything was in motion. David and Sarah and Dwain would meet us at our house for dinner at 6:30 p.m.

Ronda was completely unaware. I would spring the whole thing on her when I got home.

Things don't always go as planned.

I got home to find Ronda laying on the couch with a cold pack on her head. She felt sick and wasn't really up to helping me with supper. She had already put on her pajamas for the evening. It was 5:45 p.m. and she didn't have any idea that company would be here at 6:30 p.m.

"Hey, honey," I said at about 6:10 p.m. "Why don't you slip your clothes back on? I have surprise for you."

"You can surprise me in my jammies," she said from under her blanket on the couch. "What do you want me dressed back up for?"

She knew something was up and I finally said, "Look, if you're not dressed here in about 10-15 minutes, you'll wish you had been!"

She got up and went back in the bedroom, giving me the "you're up to something" look.

In between all this, I was cooking food on the stove, on the grill and making a salad. I love to cook, but I am often easily distracted by shiny things like the TV and the telephone and at one point forgot I had potatoes on the side burner on my grill. They call that thing a burner for a reason, as it was turning my potatoes into an ash tray quickly. I jerked the pan off the burner and started to carry it inside when my hand cramped. I reached to grab the other side of the pan to steady it. HOLY MOLEY! I burned my fingers as Dwain and Sarah pulled into the drive way.

When I finished my hot pan dance, I set it down on the door Matt and opened the door to take the potatoes inside. I got the door open and reached down to grab the pan only to discover I had melted the pan to the front door mat and was dragging in a piece of it like string cheese from a hot pizza.

The rest of the evening went well. Dinner was salvaged and Sarah brought a great peach cobbler.

At dinner Sarah asked what our secret was to making our marriage last 20 years. Ronda and I both agreed that one of the biggest things that helped our maraige work was humor. We've had plenty of that for the past 20 years. It probably doesn't hurt that we really love each other too.......

After dinner we walked down to the pond. All of our kids were home and even the dog became part of the ceremony.

Without boring you with the mushy details, it was a great ceremony and I can't thank David, Dwain and Sarah enough for being a part of it.

After the ceremony, we read and released the balloons one at a time and watched them drift off into the sky. It was cool and I even got a little emotional.

Then I got a smirk on my face and asked Ronda, "You think the neighbors are going to be mad when they find twenty popped balloons in their pasture?"

Happy anniversary, Ronda. I love you. Have a great week!

We finished eating dinner one night last week and my son Nicholas went down stairs for his after-dinner video game.

Ronda and I were cleaning up the kitchen when we heard him scream, "Mom, come downstairs quick and bring a giant shoe!"

Ronda looked at me and asked, "What was that all about?"

I explained to her that there was either one very big foot downstairs or it was Nicholas's way of telling us there was a large spider in the basement.

The kids instinctively know that when you need a light bulb changed, a carburetor put on a motorcycle, the battery charged, a door hung, some heavy lifting or even the occasional computer problem solved, you call for dad. When there is a scary bug, you call for mom.

I especially hate spiders. Do you want to see me run screaming like a thirteen year old girl? Put a spider in front of me.

I'm not a simple fraidy-cat by nature. I have little fear of mice, rats or even snakes (unless I startle it and myself at the same time). I just hate those scary little spiders. I would say I am quite brave when it comes to the critter department. I just don't like bugs and I especially don't like spiders.

Arachnaphobia is the scientific name for fear of spiders. Despite centuries of evidence that many people are afraid of spiders, I read that there is no known evolutionary reason to trace its origin.

Is that right?

I can see Caveman Nog returning from his hunt and holding the hind quarter of his kill high in the air. Off in the short distance at the entrance of their cave his tribe shouts for joy as they see the big game that Nog has killed. Nog approaches his cheering tribe and walks between two trees where a spider has just spun himself a home. It drapes across his face - he wets his leopard skin loin cloth, drops his meat and runs off into the jungle screaming.

That's the evolution of Arachnaphobia.

I thought maybe I was brave enough to take on a small spider last weekend. I was sitting in my wife's car and a tiny spider was crawling near the top of the window.

Here was my chance to be a hero.

I took off my sandal and rolled the window down so I could get a good swing. Then the wind came up, He shot himself a web out of his butt and landed right in my face. I was half way across the parking lot before I realized I was one shoe short.

A few years ago, my wife and I took a trip to Mexico where I had decided to face another one of my biggest fears - heights. We hiked several miles into the jungle and climbed several cliff faces to reach the top of this mountain. Then we had some guy strap a harness around us, attach it to a cable and throw us off the side of the perfectly safe mountain. It was called "flying". The cable and pulley system sent you soaring across the canyon below at speeds of nearly 50 mph for up to a half mile long. My pants were nearly dry when I reached the other side. A series of these cable systems brought you to the bottom of the mountain where a guy with an alcoholic beverage awaited you. I was ready for that when we got down.

After they soften you up a bit with their local nectar, they started introducing us to some of the bar's regulars. The first was a giant snake. I don't mean like one that you see in your garden. This was all National Geographic big and was like an 18 foot or longer snake. They put it on you and it starts wrapping itself around you as two guys try to keep it from making you lunch.

I was fine with this. My wife was a little uneasy, but she might have had just the right amount of cactus juice in her to try it. We both felt a sense of accomplishment after handling the giant snake. We had now conquered the mountain and a giant snake. This was time for celebration.

"Bring me another," I boldly proclaimed.

I discovered at that moment that there was a language barrier between our people. I meant something to drink. The bartender brought me a giant spider.

My first instinct was to hide behind Ronda in hopes that she would kill it.

"Here! Here! He no bite you. See?," he said as he placed it on my hand.

I was frozen. The spider's venom must have already entered my blood system and paralyzed me. I hadn't even felt the sharp fangs of this tricky predator pierce my flesh. So this is how I was going to die? It was crawling up my arm - probably tasting me and preparing to wrap me up in a giant cocoon to feast on me little by little. How horrific.

Ronda sat there and smiled. Why hadn't she taken off her shoe to kill it? Was my life insurance paid up? It was! This was her diabolical plan from the beginning. She took me on vacation to have me eaten alive by a giant spider and then she would collect my insurance money.

The bartender grabbed the spider, saving my life.

Then he put it on my face and said, "No blow! No blow!"

No kidding? I wasn't blowing. I couldn't even breath at that point. This thing was about to eat me from the inside out. I felt his hairy legs on my lips and could feel his fuzzy body sliding over my nose. I needed to sneeze! I needed to breath! I thought I was going to pass out. I was dieing. That's when I felt a strange peace overcoming me and I saw the bright light that people see when near death.

I realized the spider was gone. I opened my eyes to find my wife taking my picture.

I was still alive. Scarred for life, but alive.

Do you see the can of Raid behind me? Do you think anyone grabbed that? No...

Have a great week!

Father's Day is coming up this Sunday and I was thinking about the joys and struggles associated with fatherhood.

"Father" is one of those titles that demands respect, but often gets much less. I remember that I was far from the perfect child growing up. I know I gave my father grief.

He may think that I never paid any attention to all the fatherly wisdom he laid on me, but I did. I remember a couple of things he told me. One was to always "kill'm with kindness" when faced with adversity.

I find myself giving my kids advice and wondering if they are even paying attention. I am sure one day they will recall some bit of wisdom I gave them.

And now that I am a father (of 18 years now), I realize that you have to take the good with the bad and you try your best in every situation to, as the song goes, "teach your children well."

Most of the time I probably come off sounding like I am nagging and ragging on my kids, but my hope is that they will learn, not only from their mistakes, but mine as well.

"If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right." -- Bill Cosby

As a father, I sometimes question if I am deserving of a special day of observance. Then I realize that I have three great kids, so I will celebrate!

Like most fathers, I don't expect a gift. I have everything I want as a father. I have my wife and kids. What more could I possibly want?

Father's Day is a day to honor your dad. Every day my kids wake up healthy is Father's Day for me. I'm sure my dad feels the same way.

The idea for creating a day for children to honor their fathers began in Spokane, Washington. A woman by the name of Sonora Smart Dodd thought of the idea for Father's Day while listening to a Mother's Day sermon in 1909.

Having been raised by her father, William Jackson Smart, after her mother died, Sonora wanted her father to know how special he was to her. It was her father that made all the parental sacrifices and was, in the eyes of his daughter, a courageous, selfless, and loving man. Sonora's father was born in June, so she chose to hold the first Father's Day celebration in Spokane, Washington on the 19th of June, 1910.

In 1926, a National Father's Day Committee was formed in New York City. Father's Day was recognized by a Joint Resolution of Congress in 1956. In 1972, President Richard Nixon established a permanent national observance of Father's Day to be held on the third Sunday of June. So Father's Day was born in memory and gratitude by a daughter who thought that her father and all good fathers should be honored with a special day just like we honor our mothers on Mother's Day.

Today nearly 100 years have elapsed since the first Father's Day was celebrated. Fathers of 1900 didn't have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did have a few advantages: In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English.

Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.

In 1900, a father's horsepower meant his horses.

Today, it's the size of his minivan.

In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success. Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home.

In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons. Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.

In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business. Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.

In 1900, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart conversations while fishing in a stream.

Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their sons' ears and shout, "WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE."

With fatherhood comes the right of passage to use phrases like, "Shut the lights off. Do you pay the electricity bill around here?"

Here's some things you'll never hear your father say.

- Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.

- You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?

- I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like that.

- Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.

- What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?

- Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party.

- Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

- No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.

- Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend!

With all that joking aside, I do want to wish my dad a happy Father's Day. I love you Dad. Without sounding like I am patting myself on the back, I think you did a pretty good job with your kids!

I hope all of you fathers have a special Father's Day!

Now that American Idol is over for the season, the only things I can find on TV have to do with politics. As interested as I am, I am finding the candidates all a little bit dull.

I have enjoyed the interviews with the candidates, but none of them really have any answers for the economy, the war in Iraq, the situation with Iran or how to deal with the changing global climate.

The questions they answer all seem to be very well rehearsed.

I have received a lot of emails lately on how underqualified Obama is, how John McCain is too liberal for the Republicans and how devious Hillary Clinton is, but the following comparison just made me laugh.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.......

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken!

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

You can take it further.....

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ......... reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

Have a great week!

Unless you were as crazy about American Idol as I was, read no further.

I got hooked on this show in the beginning - season 1 in 2002. I've had a love-hate relationship with it ever since.

That's the year Kelly Clarkson won and she was awesome. She still is. American Idol was a huge success and had captured the viewing audience.

It seemed like America was pretty sharp and could pick a winner.

Then came season two....

Ruben Studdard. A man, named after a sandwich, that looked like he'd eaten a few in his lifetime won the competition - or lack thereof. Season two was in my best English accent, "an utter disappointment."

Season three wasn't much better. We saw Fantasia win. She was good, but beat out my favorite, George Huff. I figured his name wasn't as cool as her name. Where is Fantasia now? Not doing so good...... I began losing interest in the show.

Then came season 4. We finally saw some competition. Things picked up season 4 and Carrie Underwood became a household name. You recognize that name, don't you?

Season 5 was the nail in the coffin for me. This was the season that America got it all wrong and voted Taylor Hicks as American Idol.

You probably couldn't find one of Taylor Hicks's CDs unless you hit a weekend garage sale.

Idol's record label had this to say about Hicks, "We didn’t want to shove any songs down his throat. We wanted to make an album in the style he was comfortable with. We mutually agreed that he’d work on an album [on his own], we’d listen, and we’d see where we go from there. There’s no acrimony."

I had to look up the definition of acrimony: " harsh or biting sharpness especially of words, manner, or disposition."

That was probably a polite way of saying, "you're terrible."

The most surprising thing about season 5 was when Chris Daughtry was the 4th from the top and got voted off. He was my pick early in the season and all my "musically unchallenged" friends agreed he was the best talent that season.

Daughtry didn't need American Idol. He went on to release several hits and has become a huge success.

I was so angry after season 5 that I protested American Idol season 6. I and most of America couldn't even tell you who won. You don't even remember Jordin Sparks do you?

This year has been different. There has been an immense talent turnout for season 7 and with a lot of hype, American Idol got back on track and folks like me and my mom started watching and voting again. I can honestly say that there will be some memorable talent from this season and you can take it to the bank, which is exactly what Simon Cowell will do.

Now that I have mentioned my mom, let me say that she was nearly single-handedly responsible for David Cook's win last week.

I called my mom after Idol and she told me she voted between 75-100 times for David Cook. Way to go, Mom. That's probably why the line was busy when I tried to vote.

According to the show. David Cook edged out David Archuleta by 12 million votes! That is just incredible. The finale recorded just under 100 million votes for the episode.

David Archuleta was a great performer, but in my opinion only appealed to a small group of teenage girls. They may be able to text their little hearts out, but voting was open until midnight. Most of his voters had to be in bed by 10 p.m., so thanks to people like my mom, David Cook is this year's champion!

I wish I could walk up to Randy Jackson and Simon Cowell and tell them how wrong they got it. They had this year's trophy already engraved with David Archuleta's name on it. Shortly before they read the winner's name, Simon took a moment to say he was sorry for being so hard on David Cook.

I can't help but wonder that Simon and the other judges knew who the winner was and watching him eat a little crow put a renewed interest in American Idol.

I can't wait for season 8!

Have a great week!

I had been rushing around for the past couple of weeks trying to get everything in order for the special section for the MLHS graduating class of 2008 when it suddenly dawned on me - my first child is graduating from high school.

Breeann is my oldest child. Everything that is a first in life, she's been the one to do it. First complete kindergarten, first to graduate from the 8th grade, first to drive, first to crash and now, first to graduate.

There are a lot of emotions that come with thinking about her graduating from high school.

My first emotion is a feeling of satisfaction. I'm proud of Breeann. I haven't always been easy on her. I hope she knows that when I was hard, it was to help her learn to be a better person.

I'm also feeling sadness. It's not easy letting go. I'm so grateful for all the time we've had together and that I have two more kids at home. Whether she believes me or not, I'm really going to miss my her when she leaves home.

Even though I hate to see this time become history for her, I am feeling excitement about her future. She plans to become an elementary school teacher. Of course all college kids make plans and sometimes they change, but I am proud that she has a goal in mind.

I also have fear - fear for my kid going out into the world and experiencing some of the failures in life. As a parent, my natural instinct is to protect her, but I know she has to experience and learn from life's mistakes.

There is also a feeling of relief. It's hard to explain. It's like giving birth I suppose. It's painful, but when it's all over there is this reward of life. Having your child complete high school is a great accomplishment. With this part of her life completed, Ronda and I are now looking forward to college, someday a wedding, someday grandchildren. Wow....

As I was looking over photos of the class of 2008, I started thinking about all the slumber parties, field trips, sporting events and summers spent with a lot of these kids.

I thought back on the year that a group of us went to Dallas, TX to a M.A.Y.B. tournament and afterwards going to Six Flags. I remember the whole group waiting on Brooke Mease to finally decide which shirt she was going to wear so we could finally go to the park. I rode all the roller coasters with the kids and remember how sick I felt.

I also remember a 10th birthday party where about 12 little girls came to our house to eat cake and ride gokarts. I remember Erica Andrews crashing into my fence. Later on the girls got tired and grumpy. After a fist fight broke out, I had to separate a few girls!

Danae Rice jumped out of our back seat of our suburban on cue one stormy night during a scary story about an escaped inmate. I had a car full of screaming little girls. It was hilarious.

Enough time has passed for me to tell this final story of two car thieves from the class of 2008. Ronda and I were in Wichita one day when we left Cori Christensen and Erica Andrews at our house with Breeann. Cori and Erica got up early and decided to take our car for a joy ride around the ranch. Now neither of them were even old enough for a driver's license! No harm was done and I did my best to sound mad, but I had little or no effect! I never told their parents. I guess this is my revenge girls! lol.....

All of these memories seemed to have happened in such a short time. With 13 years of school behind them, this class now takes their big step out into the world.

I can't believe how fast the time has gone by.

How did it get so late so soon?

It's night before

it's afternoon.

December is here before it's June.

My goodness how the

time has flewn.

How did it get so late so soon?

I read through each of the kids' graduation information and one student caught my attention. I want to mention her because she wrote something that really caught my attention. It was something different.

Deidre Johnson's information was different. Yeah, she listed her parents, her accomplishments and the college she plans on attending, but she added something.

Her future plans read: "I plan to attend Wichita State University and study Dental Hygiene after school. I plan to start a family and come back to Medicine Lodge to open a dentist office."

She plans on coming back. How often do you hear a kid say that?

In the many evenings Breeann and I spent together filling out financial aide, scholarship applications and talking about her future, she too mentioned how she would one day like to come home and be a preschool teacher. It made me proud.

Ted Colborn also said he wants to come back and work on the family farm. Good for you, Ted. I'm sure there are others in the class that want to call Medicine Lodge their home.

There is a good reason why the students of MLHS should consider coming home one day. It was obvious by the local scholarship awards given Tuesday evening that people in our community care. I can't tell you how many thousands of dollars went to the class of 2008 from our community. It was very cool and I know how much the kids appreciate the help with school. For those of you who helped out with these scholarships, as a parent, I want to thank you for helping my child.

My family got acquainted with one of the newest members of the MLHS class of 2008 this year. Nick Gaertner (Soeren Niklas Gaertner) is a foreign exchange student from Germany who has been living with John Nixon. John is one of our closest neighbors and his host student, Nick, is my Son Joey's age. They've become good friends and we've enjoyed spending time with Nick.

It's been especially fun to spend time sitting around our little camp fire and experiencing Nick's quick-witted responses. We'll miss you Nick. Thanks for spending time with us.

You know, it seems like only a few years ago that I was graduating from the very same high school that my daughter and her class will now graduate from this coming Saturday, May 17th. Actually, it has been exactly 20 years. I graduated with the class of 1988.

To Breeann and the class of 2008:

I love all of you kids. I'm so proud of you and wish you all the success in life. You'll always be special to me and Ronda and I thank you all for the memories. I pray that God will give you wisdom and bless each of you on your journey.

Have a great week!

Congratulations class of 2008!

One of my favorite weekly pastimes is reading area newspapers.

My mission is to keep up on some of the Newspaper Publisher "Old-timers", as I like to call them. My "Old-timers are Bob McQuin of the Kingman Leader-Courier, Bob Greer of the Protection Press and Dennise Andersen of the Coldwater Western Star.

These are three newspaper publishers that I have known since I was barely able to measure up to a pica pole (newspaper lingo).

Back in the early 1970s, my Uncle Gary, my Grandpa Bill and my Dad Ron used to print these area newspapers at our printing plant in the old Index building on First Street. I would be entertained weekly by the publishers from Coldwater and Protection. I still keep in contact with them and Bob Greer still makes his monthly stops by my office to steal my toilet paper. He says the same thing every time, "I’m on my way to Wichita to check on my doctor."

When I was finally old enough to stand on milk crates to reach the press controls, I began helping with the press work and eventually did the majority of the printing.

By the time I turned 14, I had my learner’s permit and I started driving the newspaper to Kingman twice each week after I got the paper printed. It was my summer job.

So, I got to know Bob McQuin when I was a little newspaper guy. This week in the Kingman Leader-Courier, Bob McQuin announced he was turning over his Editor’s duty to his daughter Connie Schoenhofer. Bob will stay on as Publisher with a few reductions in duties as his health hasn’t been the best lately. Bob has been the Editor/Publisher of Kingman’s newspaper for 41 years.

Bob’s weekly column "So What’s New" is my first stop when I pick up his paper each week. Congratulations Bob and I hope you get to feeling better.

? ? ? ?

This coming Sunday is Mother’s Day. I wanted to drop a note to the important mothers that surround my family and bring them love.

I love you Mom. Thank you for always being there for me and sis and being a part of our lives.

I love you Ronda. Thank you for being my partner in raising our three children.

I love you MeMe. Thank you for being a mom to Ronda when her’s went home to be with the Lord.

? ? ? ?

I want to thank Kraig and Steve at Bowe Chevrolet, John at Hibbards HealthMart, Brandon Hazel at State Farm, Norm at White’s Foodliner, Riley at Taco Tico/Simple Simon Pizza, Brent at Home Lumber, my staff here at The Gyp Hill Premiere, John Nixon at Nixon Realty and Jon Walz at The Rock -KPAK 97.5 FM for helping us promote Imminent Domain last weekend at the American Legion Building.

We’ve heard good things from the kids that came and we hope to have this group back in Medicine Lodge, maybe in September????

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A giant helium-filled pig didn't drift off to hog heaven after it was released into the night sky during Roger Waters' performance at the Coachella music festival. It's been found, in two pieces.

Two couples found tattered halves of the inflatable swine in their yards, a few miles from festival grounds in the Southern California desert.

Concert organizers had offered a $10,000 reward for the pig's return. On Tuesday, pieces of the plastic carcass were examined.

"That's definitely our pig," producer Bill Fold said.

Susan Stoltz found a plastic heap in her driveway Monday, but said she didn't know what it was until she read about the missing pig in the Desert Sun newspaper.

"My kids are going to think I'm so cool," she said.

Another resident of the same neighborhood, Judy Rimmer, said she found a piece of the pig draped over a front-yard plant.

The two couples will split the cash reward, Fold said.

As tall as a two-story house and as wide as two school buses, the pig was led from lines held on the ground Sunday as Waters played a version of Pink Floyd's "Pigs" from the 1977 anti-capitalist album "Animals."

Then it just floated away.

"It wasn't really supposed to happen that way. I don't have the details," festival spokeswoman Marcee Rondan said.

The pig displayed the words "Don't be led to the slaughter" and a cartoon of Uncle Sam holding two bloody cleavers. The other side read "Fear builds walls" and the underside read "Obama" with a checked ballot box for Democratic presidential hopeful Barack Obama.

My guess is that some small-town, gun-toting Christian conservative shot it down. hehehehehehe

I know it is only April, but my house was hot and stuffy. I made the decision to turn on the air conditioner. It didn't work. So the windows came open and the ceiling fan came on last week after the house reached 84 degrees.

It felt good as the breeze started moving through my house, so I grabbed a book and sat down to read.

Click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click.

Nine years ago, I bought a ceiling fan and decided I would "do it myself". It's clicked for approximately nine years.

It should have been a simple job, especially for a guy who went to school to study home construction for 2 years. Yes, I had trouble declaring a major in college. I built homes for two years in college. That's another column.

I remember 9 years ago laying the pieces all over the floor and spending a couple of head-scratching hours putting it up. When it was finished, I looked up with great pride and pulled the chain.

Click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click.

I decided right then and there it was a decorative light. We rarely turned it on. But it was hot and we needed to move some air.

I tried to ignore the sound, but it kept getting louder and louder. My God, it was annoying.

Ronda and I looked at each other. She was giving me that, "I wish you would fix that" look. so I put my book down and went out to the garage for my tools.

I brought back a screwdriver, some wrenches and of course, a hammer. Instead of a ladder, I brought over a kitchen chair. At 5' 7" I was still on my tippy toes to reach the fan.

I shut the power off at the wall, not the breaker, and proceeded to examine the situation. The solution seemed simple. The fans were striking the outer ring of the mounting hardware. My choices were to move the mounting hardware a little bit or grab a grinder and grind off the brass ring. I chose the less destructive, although the grinder would have been cool with all the sparks and metal shavings flying through our living room. If I moved the mounting hardware, the clicking sound would be eliminated.

All I needed to do was expose the inside of the fan where it was mounted to the ceiling. I just needed a screwdriver to remove an access panel. It came off easy enough and I could see clear to the ceiling and the bolts that would move the mounting hardware to stop the clicking sound.

Unfortunately, I could not reach the bolts and had to take off a brass ring. I got out my wrenches. It was a tiny nut. Smaller than my smallest wrench, so I went back out to the garage to find a new tool to help me in my latest home improvement project. After trying several American wrenches, I found a wrench that wasn't an American measurement that fit. Go figure.

I removed the ring only to find that the fan blades were in the way. I would need a large phillips head screwdriver. I went back out to the garage and came back with a new tool.

I took all five blades off and carefully laid them on the floor of my living room. I placed all of the brass screws in my left pocket. The screws for the brass ring were already in my right pocket. I then attemped to remove the brass ring.

The lights were in the way.

I said a few choice words and stepped off my kitchen chair. My shoulders were tired and my feet were hurting.I took a small break and got back on the chair. I then unscrewed the lights, removed the brass ring and discovered a clear plastic decorative ring that had to be moved so I could reach the mounting hardware. That came off with a twist.

Finally, I got a break.

I loosened the screws to the mounting plate and grabbed my hammer. With a couple of taps, I decided that I had moved it enough to stop the clicking sound. My neck was getting a little sore, so I stepped back down off the kitchen chair, tripping over a few of the fan blades and spilling my screws out of my pockets.

I gathered my screws and composure and started replacing the plastic decorative ring. It went on with success and I proceeded to put the brass ring back on. It went on easy too. I put the lights back on and was ready to put the blades back on.

I was going to need a couple of extra hands for this, so I called my oldest son in to the room. This was going to be an important lesson for him. We were going to be a team, father and son, fixing a ceiling fan in mom's prescence.

I grabbed an extra chair.

Without complaining and with great skill and patience, Joey held the blades up for me. Okay, I made that part up. With a lot of whining and squirming, Joey attempted to hold the fan blades while I lined up the screws with the holes in the fan motor.

I failed to notice earlier in the project that there were five fan blades that took two screws each and 15 holes. What idiot put that many holes up there? We stepped down off our chairs and studied the situation.

Back up on our chairs, I picked a spot to start and struggled to put the blade back on. Getting the holes to line up was tricky and when I turned the screws the fan motor turned and the screws would fall to the floor. We coordinated our efforts and got one blade on.

This was hard. We took another break and started on the next fan blades.

We were pros at this now and before we knew it, we were on the last holes. Success was almost ours. I tightened the last screw and we stepped down.

Joey said, "Hey dad, what about this last blade?"

I looked down and to my horror, discovered an extra blade. I looked up and counted. Yep, only four blades were mounted to the ceiling fan.

"How the heck did that happen," I asked?

Well, good for us, it looked just fine with four blades and I decided to turn it on and check to see if the clicking sound was gone. I pulled the chain and the sound was gone!

"Great! It's fixed," I said.

We looked to mom for approval. Ronda had a look on her face that simply said, no. Joey saw it too.

"Mom, it looks fine with four," he said.

She wasn't going to let this one slide. She was right. The ceiling fan started with five blades, equally spaced, and now had four blades that resembled a large, lopsided X.

Joey and I looked at each other with understanding. We grabbed the screwdriver, got back on our chairs and systematically started removing the blades. Once they were all off, we studied the problem again.

It was a complete mathmatical impossibility. I'm not sure who the genius was that put this up the first time, but I'm guessing he had the instructions. Oh yeah, that genius was me and I didn't keep the instructions.

After arguing for several minutes about which holes to start with, Joey convinced me that he was in algebra and that he was right. I had no choice but to trust him.

Now sweating profusely, my neck and shoulders throbbing, we started the long process of putting the fan blades back on.

To my surprise the fourth blade went on and we had two holes left.

"See dad, I'm a genius," said Joey.

I was impressed and embarassed all at the same time. It was a coming of age for my son - the problem solver.

We put the last blade on and stepped back.

I pulled the chain and the fan started turning.

It didn't make the clicking sound! However, it now has a wobble to it that causes the light to swing, making our living room look like a disco.

Neither Joey nor I made eye contact with Ronda.

I also have one screw left over, but hey, it doesn't click...........

Step back soccer moms.

Things got slightly carried away last week during a soccer game held at Krug Field.

Norm Clouse and I were only joking around when the pushing started. My kid was on one soccer team and his on another. When his daughter’s team scored, he got a little bit excited and gave me a shove nearly knocking me over.

My rooster instinct kicked in and I shoved back.

I just wanted to let all know who were present that this was just guy-horse play. We were just excited about our kids competing and playing the game of soccer. There’s no battle going on between the grocery store guy and the newspaper guy. It was all fun and games - except for the fact that my kids’ team lost the game.

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If you have kids who love music or you are a fan of original punk / emo rock, there will be a concert on April 25th at the American Legion Building.

Imminent Domain, winner of the MTVU’s Summer Battle of the College Bands, will perform. This band was also the 2006 KPAK Battle of the Bands winner. They put on a great show and they are a neat family. I hope you can come!

This will be a NO ALCOHOL family event.

The concert is cosponsored by area merchants. For more information, see page 9. We’ll have a story about the band in next week’s Premiere.

Have a great week!

Richard Wortman stopped by my office last Tuesday to schedule my lynching.

Wortman, like many others ventured down to the courthouse last week after buying Monday’s paper to see the famed time capsule.

Surprise! It wasn’t there. It was my April Fools joke.

After toiling over what I would do as my master April Fools joke, I came up with the idea of pranking as many folks as I could through the fake article about the time capsule discovery.

If you read the article carefully, you might have picked up on some of the obvious humor. A man named "Quibs" was mentioned. My column’s name is KWIBS. Also he was a "barber" and friends with Thomas Barber.

Medicine Log. Medicine Lodge’s long lost original name. Did you fall for it?

Xie Gallagher in the Treasurer’s office was quick to act when she realized my prank. She printed up signs stating, "If you are here to see the time capsule that was in the paper, it has been moved to The Gyp Hill Premiere on Main Street. Ask for Kevin Noland."

She posted them all over the courthouse and I prank called the Clerk of the District Court asking where I could see the time capsule.

I told Xie that it would have been funnier to say something like "The time capsule had termites and had to be removed from the building. It is now at the County Road and Bridge building on Isabel Road."

I couldn’t convince her to play along.

News of the time capsule travelled more quickly than I expected. The story was also posted on our Internet website at www.gyphillpremiere.com. By the end of the day, I had several emails wanting more information about the artifact.

Kim Fowles wrote:

"Was the date really 1855? I am searching SD newspapers through their historical society and can't find any published in 1855."

It was all I could do to contain myself.

One of my friends said, "I speed read all the articles and I missed the part about reading KWIBS for more information.

The day wasn’t all fun and games. One of my readers called and told my staff that she didn’t find the story funny at all and it was the responsibility of the newspaper to be trustworthy. I agree, but I did not leave my readers hanging. The truth was out there. You just had to read.

My favorite story comes from my son Joey. Joey called me from school on Tuesday, April 1st. Whispering into the phone he said, "Dad, my teacher just mentioned the time capsule story to the entire class and he is really excited about it and asked if any of us had heard about it or seen it."

It was all Joey could do to maintain his composure.

So, I hope you all aren’t too mad at me!

Have a great week!

April Fools' Day or All Fools' Day, though not a holiday in its own right, is a notable day celebrated in many countries on April 1. I know it’s sure celebrated at our house.

The day is marked by the commission of hoaxes and other practical jokes of varying sophistication on friends, my kids, my wife, enemies and neighbors. The aim of which is to embarrass or prank the gullible. In some countries, April Fools' jokes (also called April Fools) are only made before noon on 1 April. I like to celebrate all year long.

Thinking back on some of the pranks I have pulled instantly sparked column material. A lot of which I have done, I can’t print for fear of prosecution or worse, retaliation.

A few years back on April 1st I got the kids up for school and fixed them breakfast. Little did they know, I had filled the bottoms of their cereal bowls with rubber fishing worms! That’s probably the one prank I remember doing to my kids.

My wife and I played an April Fools joke on another couple here in town (name held to protect their identity and to comply with the protection order they might file on us).

It started innocently enough with us jacking their car off the ground and putting blocks under the axles. We did this in a manner that the tires looked like they were on the ground, but they weren’t. My friend got in his car for work, hit reverse, looked back and took his foot off the break, but didn’t go anywhere. Classic.

The next morning I got to work, walked into my office and was ensnared by fishing line. His wife had gotten a key and come into my office earlier and strung fishing line from every conceivable point in my office. I spent over an hour with scissors cutting my way back in. Classic.

There was also this time when my wife decided to fill up Dr. Meador’s Lincoln Towncar with styrofoam peanuts. This resulted in a truce being called and the air vents professionally cleaned. Classic.

One of the greatest pranks ever played on us was the time our former cleaning lady came into our house and completely turned everything upside down and inside out. She rearranged furniture, moved pictures and did a number on our living room. The best part of the joke was that my wife thought I did it and she spent all evening crying because she thought it was the meanest thing I had ever done to her! Classic.

Now for the meanest prank ever - that would go to our former Editor, Mr. David Fasgold.

If you remember a few years back, I had some heart trouble. After a week in the Kansas Heart Hospital and three stents, I was home and on the mend. A day or two into my recovery, David sneaked in to my office from behind and blew a trombone in the back of my head. I lived, so the work on my heart was obviously a success. Classic, but twisted and mean.

I pranked him back by waiting until he was in the restroom and stacking boxes and metal folding chairs against the door. I did this so quietly that he didn’t hear me and when he opened the door, everything fell in on him. Classic.

I wish I had invented the April Fools holiday, but I didn’t. Throughout history, there have been some very classic pranks. Here’s what I found.

In its April 1985 edition, Sports Illustrated published a story about a new rookie pitcher who planned to play for the Mets. His name was Sidd Finch, and he could reportedly throw a baseball at 168 mph with pinpoint accuracy. This was 65 mph faster than the previous record. Surprisingly, Sidd Finch had never even played the game before. Instead, he had mastered the "art of the pitch" in a Tibetan monastery under the guidance of the "great poet-saint Lama Milaraspa." Mets fans celebrated their teams' amazing luck at having found such a gifted player, and Sports Illustrated was flooded with requests for more information. But in reality this legendary player only existed in the imagination of the author of the article, George Plimpton.

In 1962 there was only one tv channel in Sweden, and it broadcast in black and white. The station's technical expert, Kjell Stensson, appeared on the news to announce that, thanks to a new technology, viewers could convert their existing sets to display color reception. All they had to do was pull a nylon stocking over their tv screen. Stensson proceeded to demonstrate the process. Thousands of people were taken in. Regular color broadcasts only commenced in Sweden on April 1, 1970.

In 1996 the Taco Bell Corporation announced that it had bought the Liberty Bell and was renaming it the Taco Liberty Bell. Hundreds of outraged citizens called the National Historic Park in Philadelphia where the bell was housed to express their anger. Their nerves were only calmed when Taco Bell revealed, a few hours later, that it was all a practical joke. The best line of the day came when White House press secretary Mike McCurry was asked about the sale. Thinking on his feet, he responded that the Lincoln Memorial had also been sold. It would now be known as the Ford Lincoln Mercury Memorial.

In 1998 Burger King published a full page advertisement in USA Today announcing the introduction of a new item to their menu: a "Left-Handed Whopper" specially designed for the 32 million left-handed Americans. According to the advertisement, the new whopper included the same ingredients as the original Whopper (lettuce, tomato, hamburger patty, etc.), but all the condiments were rotated 180 degrees for the benefit of their left-handed customers. The following day Burger King issued a follow-up release revealing that although the Left-Handed Whopper was a hoax, thousands of customers had gone into restaurants to request the new sandwich. Simultaneously, according to the press release, "many others requested their own 'right handed' version."

On March 31, 1989 thousands of motorists driving on the highway outside London looked up in the air to see a glowing flying saucer descending on their city. Many of them pulled to the side of the road to watch the bizarre craft float through the air. The saucer finally landed in a field on the outskirts of London where local residents immediately called the police to warn them of an alien invasion. Soon the police arrived on the scene, and one brave officer approached the craft with his truncheon extended before him. When a door in the craft popped open, and a small, silver-suited figure emerged, the policeman ran in the opposite direction. The saucer turned out to be a hot-air balloon that had been specially built to look like a UFO by Richard Branson, the 36-year-old chairman of Virgin Records. The stunt combined his passion for ballooning with his love of pranks. His plan was to land the craft in London's Hyde Park on April 1. Unfortunately, the wind blew him off course, and he was forced to land a day early in the wrong location.

So in case you’re wondering, the story on the front page this week "Time capsule unearthed, reveals city’s original name might have been Medicine Log" is actually a hoax. I wanted to have some fun with everyone and hope it doesn’t ruffle too many feathers.

My Nephew Ryan Landwehr was born on April Fools Day. I’m sure he’ll be thinking up ways to one up Uncle Kevin!

Have a great week

Medicine Log! hehehehe

Some randomness for me this week.

Hi, my name is Kevin and I am an American Idol watcher (everyone say "hello" Kevin).

I’m sad to say, but I am hooked on this show. It’s brilliant up to a certain point. That point is when America gets to vote.

I wish I had an American audience. I sort of do through our website, so maybe everyone in America will read my column on line this week at www.gyphillpremiere.com/kwibs.html

America, did you finally figure out how to use your phones to vote this week? Thank you so much for finally voting off Amanda Overmyer. Surely you all figured out as soon as I did that this girl can’t sing and had NO PLACE on this show. That was like week 1 of the finals.

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Now lets talk politics.

Do you like Borok Obama? How could you not? He’s against the war, but strong on terrorism, a Christian, but not affiliated with his crazy uncle-like pastor, sort of raised Muslim, but not really, mostly black, but a little white.

Do you like Hillary? How could you not? She worked for the poor, while serving on the board of directors for Walmart. She’s pro American, but supports free trade, for NAFTA, but against it, has a lot of experience in the White house, even though recent records show she wasn’t there much and spent a lot of money on vacations during Clinton’s administration and wants healthcare for all of America. Yeah! Oh wait, she wants small businesses like mine to foot the bill.....

Do you like McCain? I haven’t a clue what he’s all about! He looks like a nice old guy and I know he proudly served our country in time of war, served as a POW, and has been a senator for like 100 years and I am going to vote for him.

I wish we could somehow figure out a way to make a show called "American President". It would work just like "American Idol". First you would audition hundreds of potential finalists and then you would narrow it down to 12 contestants that were of no party affiliation whatsover. They would have to perform for all of TV land to see and then we could pick up our phones and vote them through the competition. This process would be cheaper for America and we could skip all the mudflinging and just get down to who is more talented!

I’m guessing Hillary singing "Unchained Melody" would have gotten her kicked off week 1.

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The Euro was up to near $1.60 to our U.S. Dollar last week. the only reason I even know this is because I get a daily briefing from Nick Gaertner, German Foreign Exchange student, living with John Nixon, our neighbor.

It used to be kind of cute to hear him give the report, but now I am just kind of tired of it. Not tired of Nick, but tired of our dollar not doing so good.

Come on U.S. dollar. You can do it! You’ve been strong for so long. Don’t give up now! Some of us have gotten our tax returns and more are on the way. And soon we’ll all have our magic rebate checks to spend and strengthen our economy. Or some of us will run with our money to WalMart and buy crap made in China, strengthening their economic grip on our country. Can you take the hint here? Shop at home and buy American products when possible. That is the only way to strengthen our economy - from the inside out.

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Finally, I read last week that a guy is selling his entire life on Ebay sometime this summer. The guy wants to sell his house in Pertth, Australia, his car, motorcycle, jetski and personal possessions after a nasty break up with his wife of 5 years. What? She didn’t get $40 million? She must not have married a former Beattle. No, this is just an average Joe who wants to start over.

Also included in this auction is the sale of his friends and his job. If you win, you get his job for a two-week trial and he’ll arrange for you to meet his friends. Starting price of his auction will be just shy of $400,000.

I’ve got to run. I just got my rebate check in the mail and I’m going shopping for a new life! Have a great week!!

Three years ago in KWIBS I wrote about how little I actually knew about prom.

Now that I am about to put my 4th prom behind me, I feel that I am somewhat of an expert.

I have had 4 years of my own experience with proms in high school and dates at all of them (including multiple dates my freshman year). I know much more about prom now. At least from a male perspective.

As I’ve learned, from looking at my credit card statement, prom is big business. When you have the gentler of the two chromosomes in your home, it becomes an even more expensive and emotionally draining venture.

Dress shopping was something I used to avoid like the plague by being conveniently busy. Yes, I got out of it and it was to my daughter’s advantage as well as my advantage. Me being forced to go shopping with Breeann for evening attire is nearly as cruel as the time I took her to a tool sale where I spent over an hour shopping for locking pliers.

I had to change my evil ways this year because mamma wasn't around to do the shopping. She was in New Mexico with our boys on spring break. This left me in charge. I had penned off Tuesday for the trip and prepared mentally for shopping with my teenage daughter.

I kept replaying in my mind.

Prom dress $75?

Lunch/Supper $30?

Fuel $30?

Years drained from my life - 1.5?

In reality it was:

Prom dress $180

Lunch/Supper $60

Fuel $60

Years drained from my life - 3

We started the Wichita prom dress shopping trip with a stop to my cousin's office. He's a chiropractor. I figured an adjustment to my spine would be a good start. He told me that as the day went on and my wallet got emptier, I would begin to feel relief in my lower back. However, the pain would move to my head.

Our first stop was to a shop on East Douglas. The shop had sent Breeann an advertising catalog complete with models (who couldn't possibly have been high school girls) wearing formal gowns. The gowns were advertised at "Starting at $99". When we got there, I couldn't find half of a formal that started any where near $99. In fact, the average price was $400-$600.

I tried a "kill two birds with one stone" move.

"Hey Breeann, if you bought this white one, in a few years you could just get married in it!," I said in my smartest, fatherly voice.

She just glared at me and said, "OMG, Dad. It's not a wedding dress. It's a prom dress. Just take me to the mall."

So off to the mall we went. Four shops and five prom dresses later she had found what she thought she liked. Even though my knees were throbbing from the 20 miles of walking from shop to shop I had just done, I kept it as low pressure as possible.

"Dad, you know that there are some other prom dress stores in the other mall," she said.

Thinking quickly I pointed out that if we got all the way to the other side of town and she didn't find one, there was a possibility that this one would be gone. It was, after all (and to my advantage), the last one in the store. We took a walk through the mall and stopped at a couple of other stores before she made up her mind to go back and buy the dress.

I was saved.

The dress came home in a pretty expensive looking garment bag and a hanger that looked like it cost more than my old ratty jean jacket that gets thrown over a doorknob. And to think, I wear that jacket almost every day and she’ll only wear that dress once! I was totally going to score on that hanger….

So dads, I have some advice for those of you who are just beginning the prom adventure for the first time or have daughters coming of age.

Start saving now or begin selling blood plasma while they’re still young (clarification: your blood, not their blood….)

For girls, prom means it’s time to tan. I like a good tan and appreciate having dark skin, but news flash: It’s dark where they have prom! Not only will her date barely see the expensive dress I bought her, he won’t notice the tan unless he carries a densitometer. Tanning begins, at the very least, a month before prom.

Tanning sessions $45

Somewhere in prom history it became necessary for woman to have their real fingernails filed and buffed down to a dull finish and fake, long, synthetic ones glued on over the top. This may be some type of self defense weapon used to ward off other females that ask to dance with their date. I’m not sure, but open up the wallet guys….

Fingernails $30

Polish $5

Prom day finally arrives, but the giant prom money sucking machine is still turned on.

Within five minutes of saying the word "prom" every hair dresser in a 50 mile radius becomes booked up. By mistake, in the past we've waited until 3 weeks before prom to make an appointment locally. With no options for local hair styling left, it meant another trip back to Wichita.

Hairdresser $30

Hair accessories $10

Lunch $30

Fuel $60

Prozac – $100

Sorry guys, even though your cash is depleted and your last credit card just burst into flames when it was swiped, you are not finished.

Make up $15

Picture package $35

Prom night tickets run about $10 (if you’re lucky, her date will pay!)

Prom guys don’t get off too easily either. A good tux will cost you at least $100+ to rent. You also have to take your date somewhere nice to eat and you’ll be expected to buy her flowers.

Grand total (for estimating and budgeting purposes only) of prom 2008 could be around $1,000,000.

Seeing how beautiful my daughter looked as she emerged from the dressing room, wearing the dress I helped her shop for, was simply priceless. And to think, it's my last one before I have to think of which kidney to sell when she decides to get married.

Have a great week!

I hadn’t given a lot of thought to this, but last week I realized my child would be graduating high school in a few months.

I’ve known she was potentially going to graduate for about 6704 days now. Go ahead, do the math.... I actually didn’t make that number up. I just never really thought the time would creep up on me this quickly.

I was told once that having a teenage daughter was like trying to nail jello to the wall. I kind of understand the meaning of this insanity.

There is no way of explaining how difficult it is to go through the motions of the senior year, graduation and then off to college.

A couple of weeks ago we took a college day. This time to PCC. We spent the day at the college meeting a lot of nice folks and getting a taste of what Breeann will need to be successful in her major.

Breeann is interested in becoming a school teacher. We couldn’t be more proud of her for thinking of this. She has given it careful thought and for once, her mother and I agree that this is a good field for her. She is interested in becoming a preschool teacher!

Great! I thought. I know she can color and stay in the lines. I’ve seen her do a fantastic somersaults and she can say her ABCs flawlessly! Give that kid her degree and let her start working!

Well, if only it were that easy. Becoming a teacher, even a preschool teacher, takes a lot of time and education. It won’t be easy, but it will be an incredibly rewarding job.

The tour of the college brought back a lot of memories for me. I went to school there from 1988-1990. I had been back to the colleg